he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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