My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
