I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
