Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
