So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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