Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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