did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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