I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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