if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
