Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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