My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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