wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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