last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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