video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
