I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
