His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
