I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
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Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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