I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
