You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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