Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
