I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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