maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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