i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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