Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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