on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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