He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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