with your own penis?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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