Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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