Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
