he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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