if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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