Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
