There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
