Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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