I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
