My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
