She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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