I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
