I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
