she woke up with a sticky ear
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
