hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
