Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Boobs are out for the taking
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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