i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
