so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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