Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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