if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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