Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
