Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
