I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
