I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
