I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
