Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
