if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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