Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
