We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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