get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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