yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
