I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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