and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
