Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
