sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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